It’s that time of the year again - wedding season! (Doesn’t every season feel like wedding season though?) This can be a very stressful time for a single muslim woman with all the happy soon-to-be married couples shoving their happiness down your hijab. All of your weekends are booked with engagements, bridal showers, mehndis, bachelorette parties, nikaahs, and wedding ceremonies. And every weekend you are constantly reminded, by others, that you are SINGLE, ALONE, RIDIN’ SOLO, LONELY, you get the picture.
Well, ladies, DON’T FRET. This is NOT the time to be sulking or crying about how you’ll never find the right man. It’s not worth messing up you’re mascara anyway. It’s HUNTING season, time to catch yourself a nice guy. And before the games begin, you need to look your best, so you can attract the RIGHT attention at all these events. It’s time to pull out the stilettos, MAC eyelashes, and the best dress you’ve got in your closet. Here are a few tips for looking your best this summer.
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1. Take a shower and put on cologne (not Axe (you’ll smell like a cheap drugstore) or Drakkar Noir (you’ll smell like her grandfather). If you have no sense of smell, Acqua Di Gio will work—you’ll smell like every other douche bag in the city, but every other douche bag smells pretty good.
2. Open your wallet. Make sure to have 3 or 4 $100 bills accidentally fall out. Just don’t lose them (or use them) or this could get expensive—unless you already roll like that (automatic +1 for all of our Saudi/Qatari/Omani Princes).
3. Make eye contact, flash a charming smile, and then walk away. If you can successfully make eye contact and smile charmingly, chances are you don’t need help impressing a girl. You should also be ready to hide because some girl will probably try to follow you and potentially roofie you, depending on where said interaction takes place.
4. When you make wudu, roll up your sleeves above your biceps, conveniently forget to unroll them and leave them glistening with water so they sparkle in the light (like Edward from twilight). Make sure to walk past her while flashing your guns. If you do not workout and can hardly hold your arms up to make wudu, we suggest you get some.
5. If you have a sister who is significantly younger than you, pretend that you adore her in front of Mrs. Mashallah even if she’s secretly the devil.
6. If you happen to speak a sexy non-English language (i.e. French/Spanish), ask her a question using it. When she says she doesn’t speak your language, flash your pearly whites and apologize. If you don’t speak a sexy non-English language, just adopt a British accent—she probably wont understand that either. If you don’t have pearly whites, get some teeth whitener ASAP.
7. Get an education. And a job that pays you at least 6 figures. You’ve just impressed the hell out of her, and she hasn’t even met you yet.
Ok Halal Flirters, we’re back with another one! Most of our posts up to this point have been about how to improve your overall love life (in a Halal (debatable) style). Most of our lessons are ones that should be practiced on a day-to-day basis. But we realize, some of you just ain’t got that kinda time! So if you’re looking to impress Mr. Mashallah in 20 seconds or less follow our tips and tricks below. The good thing is that these can actually be done in 5 seconds. And we’ve got some for every kinda man!
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Take notes brothers! SO CUTEEE
Problem: Recently, the mother of a Muslim guy friend (if you can even call him that— we talk, like, occasionally) I had exchanged “the approving look” with another auntie when I was talking with her son and offered him food (my fam was hosting a social gathering), and I am now deathly afraid. How can I gracefully become uninteresting in her eyes? I need some “postponing marriage” skills for you to share & advice on how to protect yourself from vulture-aunties. Thanks in advance!
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Apologies for no lesson today, Halal Flirters! We are on vacation for President’s Day! Although there were no Muslim presidents, many of our president’s rocked the halalest beards, mashAllah! So… we celebrate them! Check ‘em oouuttt!
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The “Can’t lower your gaze. Can you?” Beard:
The “After Fajr” Beard:
The “I’m sexy (mashAllah) and I know it” Beard:
The “Is it sunnah to look this good?” Beard:
The “Every muslim male should want to be me” Beard
Alright Halal Flirters, this Tuesday is the most important day of the year (you know, after Eid, Lailatul Qadr, and all the other religious days). So, we’ve come up with a short list of halal romantic V-Day ideas.
1. Read Surah Taubah together and then pray like hell that you both won’t get burned for celebrating Valentine’s Day (they don’t call it VD for nothing).
2. Profess your love over the phone, but make sure your mother (and his) are on the line so it will be halal.
3. Attend Fajr prayer together and watch the sunrise from the masjid’s windows (remember to remain in separate prayer halls).
4. Invite him over to meet the parents. It can be a cute respectful double date… for eternity.
5. Send this present to your valentine:
We hope this list helps you plan the perfect V-Day for you lover. And if none of these ideas work, you can always read halalflirting.tumblr.com together from separate locations while lowering your gaze and maintaining a zero physical/verbal contact policy. Good luck!
If you have any questions let us know! Halalflirting@gmail.com
And if you want to email us to tell us we’re going to hell… you can keep that to yourself.
Filed under Lessons
Halal flirters!!! We’re back to doing what we do best!!! That is… telling girls what to do. After travelling the world we realized that a ridiculously large number of you suffer from what we like to call the “Princess Syndrome”. Yes, this might sound nice at first, but it is extremely detrimental to your Mr. MashAllah Hunt (and to the world at large).
We’ve collected a list of Princess Syndrome symptoms. If you say “Oh whoops that’s me” to any one of them, you have unfortunately been infected by this horrible affliction. Make sure you stay tuned for Lesson 31: “How to no longer suffer from Princess Syndrome” for a quick and dirty home remedy.
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Salam! Nice blog!:). I need help with my situation. I know a guy for 1month now and we have been talking a lot at the beginning, he said he had feelings for me and I did too. But then, he just ignored me. He doesn’t return my texts and rarely calls me unless I’ve called. He said he felt depressed, I understand, but he never asks about me. I make du’a everyday for us to be in the halal finally and that he likes me, but I wonder now if I should continue trying to get him interested in me or giveup?
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Salam! I I know a man in his mid twenties, btw Im 20 and hes very intelligent has a phd & I know him through a friend. We’ve never met cuz he lives in another city but he came to my city a few months ago & asked to meet & I didnt cuz I thought it would be awkward I just told him I was out of town & he also asked to speak on the phone & said he was interested in me. I told him i wasnt looking for a relationship but now i dont know anymore if im interested or not what should i do??
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Hellloooo all you Halal Flirters! This is the moment you all have been waiting for! The moment you’ve been dreaming about for the past 6 months! The moment when you can finally jump off your balcony from euphoria! (Please don’t do that)… It’s. TIME. FOR. LESSON 27!!!! If you’re applauding right now: we appreciate your enthusiasm, but please stop, it’s weird.
Anyway, this lesson is mainly for the brothers out there who read our blog (even those who read it secretly in the middle of the night, in bed, under the covers, on their smartphones so no one will find out. Don’t worry, we gotchu). In this lesson we will let you know how to discern a friend from a potential wifey. This way you won’t waste 2 years of your life courting a girl who (let’s be real) would rather work in a sweatshop than marry you (sometimes reality sucks and girls are witches). But don’t you fear! We’re here to help!
And ladies, please take some time to read this lesson also. You want to make sure you are not sending “friend” signals to the guy you like!
FRIEND
1. She talks to you about how hot her boss is. If the girl you’re crushin’ on is crushin’ on everyone else, sorry bro, you’re in the friend zone.
2. She takes you shopping. If she drags you around asking you if this looks good or that looks good, you’re totally stuck in the gay friend zone.
3. She burps, farts, and generally appears disheveled. If the girl you’re head over heels for never wears a pair of heels around you and feels comfortable being disgusting, you’re just one of the girls…and she’s gross. Friend zone, for sure, and you probably want to keep it that way.
4. She has called you short, fat, and/or ugly. This is self-explanatory. Not even in the friend zone.
WIFEY
1. If she laughs at all your jokes, even your jokes that are not jokes. You know you’re not that funny. She wants to be your wifey.
2. If she “accidently” let’s her hijab fall off when you’re around and then acts really embarrassed.
3. If she calls you dumb and stupid but always wants to chat and hang out. “Dumb” & “stupid” = “I LOVE YOU PLEASE MARRY ME TODAY”.
4. If she giggles… A LOT, and simultaneously has an eye twinkle. OR, if she winks at you whenever she sees you. You got this in the bag, homie.
5. If she starts a clever and ab-crunchingly hilarious blog about halal flirting and writes about how to be the perfect girl then she’s DEF wifey material, but most likely out of your league.
Stay tuned for an upcoming lesson for the brothers: “How to marry someone who is way out of your league”
Well! You’ve heard it here! Brothers, if you have specific questions about specific situations with specific girls… we have specific answers! Holla at us: Halalflirting@gmail.com <3
Filed under Lessons
Is this website for real? Am I missing something? Satire?
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